Free speech is fascist

It’s time we put an end to free speech once and for all.

It’s the only way to keep from becoming a truly fascist nation.



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Bullying people on social media is the only way to make them agree with you

On the battlefields of social justice, we seek to put an end to bullying.

And the only way to do that is to take to social media and bully everyone who disagrees with us.



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Proposal: Mandatory safe spaces nationwide

Sometimes, people will express opinions with which you don’t agree.

The proper response is, of course, to bother them until they stop expressing those opinions. If possible, maybe throw out an accusation of some form of bigotry, or put them on blast on social media.

But when that doesn’t work, how do you cope with being exposed to ideas that don’t fit into your narrowly-defined worldview?



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If you make a mistake once, you're a terrible person forever

Liam Neeson recently recounted a story about a dark period in his life many years ago where he, after learning that a close friend had been raped by a black man, took to the streets with a weapon in hopes a man of that same race would provoke him into unleashing his rage.

No violent altercation ended up taking place, and Liam regrets the incident deeply. He volunteered the story as evidence of the evil all men can do if we’re not careful to keep our emotions in check, and how we can all grow from the recognition of our past mistakes.

But this is 2019, and luckily we have the social media mob to reassure us that nobody can ever change, and that Liam is still, in fact, a neofascist white supremacist because of some racist thoughts he had 30-odd years ago. Thanks, social media mob!

Liam Neeson


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If you're not faking your own hate crime, you're not really committed to #RESISTing Trump

Resisting Trump used to be so simple.

All you had to do was fashion yourself a shank, join your local Antifa chapter, and try to stab anyone who votes Republican.

Antifa: heroically hiding behind masks and throwing scrawny-armed punches at everyone who doesn't preach the gospel of the Goddess Hillary Rodham.

Alas, those days are long gone.

Today, you need to be more extreme than ever if you want your anti-Trump screeches to be heard. Enter: Jussie Smollett and the Hate Crime Factory.


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Nonconsensual smiles are racist

Keep your smiles to yourself, bigot.

If there’s one thing we learned from the Covington incident, it’s that people of privilege still don’t understand the boundaries of interracial smile dynamics.

Let me put it plainly: smiling at a minority who does not want to be smiled at is a hate crime. Here’s why.



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Scientist discovers new 49th gender

The gender, known as “hermachodite”, carries the recognizable trait of a micropenis 2.5 inches in length and 3.5 inches in girth, with testicles that look like labia.

The appropriate pronoun to use for members of this gender is “zhuh.” Calling someone of the hermachodite gender “he” or “she”, or even “they” or “zher”, constitutes a hate crime.



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You're not a true progressive unless you chop off your own cock

It’s time to call out the fake allies.

If you’re still rocking a meat hammer between your legs, you’re not a progressive. You’re not even a liberal. Hell, you probably even voted for the Big Bad Orange.

Luckily, there’s one easy fix. Get those safety scissors ready; it’s time to go Team Blue.

The true test of progressivism.


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Proposal: A constitutional amendment to allow Ruth Bader Ginsburg to serve after death

Technology has come a long way to make this finally possible.

It’s time we allow Supreme Court Justices to continue serving after death.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg


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The tech industry is encouraging systematic oppression via terms like "whitelist" and "blacklist"

The tech industry has a hate-filled legacy of embracing terms that embolden the alt-right. Terms like “blacklist” and “whitelist,” which make PoC feel excluded.

And don’t get me started on drive designations like “master” and “slave.” Why were these terms ever used in the first place? Because everyone the tech world is filled with Nazis, that’s why.

If we are going to move forward as a people, it’s time to replace these hateful terms.



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