You're not a true progressive unless you chop off your own cock

It’s time to call out the fake allies.

If you’re still rocking a meat hammer between your legs, you’re not a progressive. You’re not even a liberal. Hell, you probably even voted for the Big Bad Orange.

Luckily, there’s one easy fix. Get those safety scissors ready; it’s time to go Team Blue.

The true test of progressivism.

If you’re a male - and, dare I say, a cisgendered, straight, white one at that - you don’t know oppression.

Being a cisgendered male means you’ve never had to work a day in your life, thanks to your copious amounts of privilege. You came from an upper-middle class family - at worst. More likely, your parents set up a trust fund the day you were born, and you spend your days partying on your yacht, pointing and laughing at all the little people as you check your stock portfolio for the third time today.

And you don’t know what it’s like to have people make assumptions about you based on your gender or skin color.

So, if you’re truly a progressive ally, grab those safety scissors. Shit’s about to get real.

And it’s not just the cock you need to worry about. You’ll also need to get rid of those damned testicles, because they produce testosterone.

Testosterone is the most dangerous chemical in the world. It’s the sole reason for wars, hate crimes, sports, competition, and the desire for achievement. These things have no place in a progressive, socialist society.

While you’re at it, dye your hair blue. In case nobody sees your lack of bulge, the blue hair will ensure your status as a true, progressive ally is recognized.

Say hello to the new you.

What are you waiting for? Go cut that cock off.

When you’re done, place your cock and balls on your Satanic altar, and chant “It was her turn!” three times to summon the spirit of Goddess Hillary Rodham, so that she may receive your sacrifice and bestow upon you a vegan treat. I sure hope it’s tofu.

(It’s always tofu.)